40 funny jokes to keep you smiling on Blue Monday

It’s the day when the financial pressure of the Christmas just passed hangs over us most, the weather is at its worst, and the extra pounds we’ve acquired over the holiday season are proving harder to shift than we anticipated.

‘Blue Monday’, the most depressing day of the year. In 2021, that’s today - 18 January.

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OK, so it might be most nonsense (the idea originated in a press release from a travel company that was shopped around to academics to sell holidays), but we can always do with a bit of a pickmeup, especially at the moment.

Here are 40 of the best Blue Monday jokes to put a smile on your face:

People say I have no will power but I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

Successful mimes: it’s always the quiet ones.

What did the cheese say when he looked in the mirror? Halloumi.

Did you hear about the cockle who went to the seafood disco? She pulled a mussel.

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As a child I was raised on a points based reward system, the better I was the more points I got and points mean prizes! Just a shame the police don’t have the same ethos.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.

What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers? A nervous wreck!

In a field of cows which one’s on holiday? The one with the wee calf.

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I met this lovely Dutch girl with inflatable shoes. I gave her a call to ask her out but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs…

How many ears does Spock have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!

What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!

What does a baby computer call his father? Data!

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!

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Why don’t they play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs!

Two pieces of fruit sat on a hill, suddenly another piece of fruit rolls past. One fruit turns to the other and says: ‘Wow look at that man-go.’

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad I finally had to take the bike off of him.

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? Attire!

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I was looking at a job description the other day that I thought was right up my street, till I read that they’re after people who can work across multiple teams and are flexible. Well, that’s me out, I can’t do handstands!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

How do you get rid of a shopaholic? You tell them to shoe!

I met a lactose intolerant beaver the other day. He was telling me about all his dams. He said: ’I’ve got a dam for every letter of the alphabet. I’ve got 25 dams.’ I said there are 26 letters in the alphabet. Turns out... he doesn’t have an edam.

What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIIINNNNS!”

Ninety nine out of every 100 people have fallen over drunk at some time... what a staggering statistic.

I asked my friend how his first day working down the sewer went. He said he felt drained.

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The urge to sing ‘the lion sleeps tonight’ is never more than a whim away.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!

Blue Monday? Finally a ‘smurf appreciation day!’

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

Two goldfish in a tank. One turns to the other and says ‘how do you drive this thing?’

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Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!

Customer: These cakes are very different prices, but they look exactly the same? Baker: this one’s Madeira.

A tortoise got jumped by four snails. When asked for a description, it replied: ‘I don’t know. It all happened so quick’.

Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!

Why did the ruler get fired? Because he couldn’t measure up.

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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team? Because she kept running from the ball!

What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows!

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can’t jump!

A version of this article originally appeared on our sister title, the Scotsman

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